MIND: Trust tremors

If this is going to be a place I can be candid about all things, let me give this a try with a short one to kick things off.

I wasn't really up for drinking this evening, which doesn't happen that often at the lake, but even when it does, I have a hard time not giving in to peer pressure.  But tonight I hung out by the fire in an absolutely gorgeous evening and had the joy of having two of my most favorite things come together for an evening: my family and "our" lake.

This I would assume is a big part of why I didn't want to overdo it the first night and feel like crap while trying to enjoy my time with them.

Another probable explanation is that I feel really really good about the physical progress I've made with my workout program this week, and I just wasn't quite ready to have three days of crap decisions (two is still very possible).

There are times I will admit to saying "no" to drinking when I really wanted and felt "deprived" of fun, but tonight was not one of those nights.  I was really really enjoying being with friends around the campfire, laughing and sharing stories!

I am more reserved in social settings, yes, and my definition of "fun" has a very wide spectrum... sometimes it involves alcohol (say goodbye to the reserve Kayla), sometimes it doesn't.

I enjoy a couple drinks to help take the edge off my social awkwardness and help me relax, but I know myself and know I have to be super careful to not quickly go from enjoying the buzz to major regrets!  I recognized it tonight when I went for my second one, and stopped.

What I forgot to prepare for was the ridicule.

I'm not sure why I ever feel the need to try to justify myself amongst a group of drunks. And sometimes it's easier to just avoid the group/activity all together on nights I don't want to drink. But there's certainly memories to be made and a feeling of belonging being there.

Oh yeah, and what probably has me most awake and regretting not just doing as everyone suggested and getting drunk enough to pass out or at least clear my mind is...

Apparently something went down that "Kayla wasn't supposed to know about."  I get it. I've lived in the dark about a lot of things most of my life either by choice, the perception of being the good girl, a history of negative reactions, etc.

I feel like I could brush off this incident (well, maybe, it is almost breakfast time and I'm sitting up writing about it), what else happens that I don't know about because it's been requested to stay a secret? 🤔  A little tremor in my trust department for sure!

Maybe it's just that I have such awesome friends who know me well enough to know how to "look out for me..."



[So much for short]