MIND: Trust tremors

If this is going to be a place I can be candid about all things, let me give this a try with a short one to kick things off.

I wasn't really up for drinking this evening, which doesn't happen that often at the lake, but even when it does, I have a hard time not giving in to peer pressure.  But tonight I hung out by the fire in an absolutely gorgeous evening and had the joy of having two of my most favorite things come together for an evening: my family and "our" lake.

This I would assume is a big part of why I didn't want to overdo it the first night and feel like crap while trying to enjoy my time with them.

Another probable explanation is that I feel really really good about the physical progress I've made with my workout program this week, and I just wasn't quite ready to have three days of crap decisions (two is still very possible).

There are times I will admit to saying "no" to drinking when I really wanted and felt "deprived" of fun, but tonight was not one of those nights.  I was really really enjoying being with friends around the campfire, laughing and sharing stories!

I am more reserved in social settings, yes, and my definition of "fun" has a very wide spectrum... sometimes it involves alcohol (say goodbye to the reserve Kayla), sometimes it doesn't.

I enjoy a couple drinks to help take the edge off my social awkwardness and help me relax, but I know myself and know I have to be super careful to not quickly go from enjoying the buzz to major regrets!  I recognized it tonight when I went for my second one, and stopped.

What I forgot to prepare for was the ridicule.

I'm not sure why I ever feel the need to try to justify myself amongst a group of drunks. And sometimes it's easier to just avoid the group/activity all together on nights I don't want to drink. But there's certainly memories to be made and a feeling of belonging being there.

Oh yeah, and what probably has me most awake and regretting not just doing as everyone suggested and getting drunk enough to pass out or at least clear my mind is...

Apparently something went down that "Kayla wasn't supposed to know about."  I get it. I've lived in the dark about a lot of things most of my life either by choice, the perception of being the good girl, a history of negative reactions, etc.

I feel like I could brush off this incident (well, maybe, it is almost breakfast time and I'm sitting up writing about it), what else happens that I don't know about because it's been requested to stay a secret? 🤔  A little tremor in my trust department for sure!

Maybe it's just that I have such awesome friends who know me well enough to know how to "look out for me..."



[So much for short]

LIFE: Camping on Thursday

Today has been a productive and relaxing whirlwind. Lol. 

I picked Trenton up about 11pm last night so we could head to Curtis Creek via KS-18 in the morning. We proceeded to stay up until about 4am getting the motorhome packed.  I wanted to leave between 9-10am, so I decided to set my alarm for 9.  I didn't make it with all the checklists in my head.

On just over three hours of sleep, we left the house at 9:30am, and Minneapolis at 10:05am.

The drive was pretty uneventful, which I'm always thankful for!  Set the cruise at 65 headed east for camp. There was a pretty good south wind, and at one point as I came up to a tree line, the motorhome pulled quickly and without much notice started flirting too close for comfort with the edge of the road.

Every nerve in my body was activated, and apparently there's a lot of them in my stomach!

Driving the motorhome doesn't really scare me anymore, but I do still doubt my ability in certain situations and put way too much thought and worry in to made up scenarios in my mind most of the time while driving.  I couldn't help but wander my "what-if" worries to what it's going to be like with a semi and 45' trailer! :-O

Which then, as I tried to regain some normalcy with my nerves again, led me to spending the next 10-15 minutes in awe of how intricate our bodies are.  That little split second motion created all but havoc with the chain reaction of mind and nerve connections. Craziness.

I got to empty tanks from last weekend first thing. Yippee! I think the dump station is conveniently located in the most direct shot of sunshine in a three state area!  I'm going to have to try to plan better than to be dumping between 11am-3pm.

Shakeology
"Make it a double one"

We pulled in to Site 20 just in time to get leveled up, hook up to power and water and eat some lunch.  Forgot the peanut butter. :(  Which was about the third thing already at this point on the list of forgotten stuff for Matt to bring. It's kind of nice to have a back up plan/straggler!

Matt text about the campground "neighbors" and wondered if there was any leftover wood we could gather.  We made a pretty good haul and got a pretty sweet (and sweaty) workout out of the deal!  It would be the extent of my workout for the day, so I wasn't complaining a bit. It kind of felt a little Biggest Loser challenge-ish.

This kid is a freaking rock star! I want him around my kid as much as possible so he'll rub off on him! Just from the pictures and texts I sent Matt, it made him ask if we had to give him back.  Lol!  Do we?!?!

Go to fire ring and collect as much wood as you can carry.

Bring it to our campsite.

Return to fire pit for remaining wood.

Back to our pit with it.

Repeat process for each fire ring.

At this point I REALLY needed to force myself in to focusing on working on the final Pregame ads.  My ability to focus when I'm sleep deprived is horrendous.

I spent 4-5 hours of my afternoon working on ads while watching Hayden and Trenton play together.  They played on the slides, went for a bike ride, swam, and cooled off in the motorhome to fill their afternoon. I may have even for a very split second while watching them play in the water had a fleeting thought about a second child. I can't believe I just admitted that!

It's hard to see them, but Hayden & Trenton spent a good 30-45 minutes floating and splashing around in the water together while I sat in the motorhome working on ads and glancing out at them.

So I'm completely exhausted and came to bed 2 hours ago.  Laying here mentally reflecting on the day, going over possible plans/scenarios for tomorrow, and also feeling a little bit guilty for being here and having the day I've had to reflect on.

As exhausted as I am from my lack of sleep, back at home, Matt and Tyson are (and have been all week) BUSTING THEIR TAILS...AFTER WORKING...to get the new motor running and mounted and hooked up on the pontoon (the old one quit right at the end of last weekends trip) so we all, but especially my family making the trip from MN, have it here for entertainment and the "true" lake experience this weekend.

I told them, "No matter what happens with the boat for this weekend... It is AMAZING what you guys are capable of!"

RV LIFE - The First Hurt

The majority of our family and close friends are familiar with our plan to sell our home, a BUNCH of our STUFF, and move in to a fifth wheel toy hauler and travel Matt’s sales territory as a family.

The very first weekend following the birth of “This Crazy Idea” we started purging the top layer of our stuff.  The stuff we don’t need, but on the same hand don’t really have a need to get rid of either, a curse to owning 1,000 square foot per person in the family.  Every one I’ve talked to about that layer of stuff seems to have a layer just like it.  Lol.

That layer felt good to clear out, and was easy to do with the excitement of all the possibilities to come with the new lifestyle.  But we’re not naive enough to think it’s all going to be as easy.  And for the record, we do plan on keeping a shipping container with family heirloom furniture and other keepsakes and/or items we may want if we decide to “land” again after a couple years on the road.

Yesterday we delivered the first piece of “stuff” causing any kind of “hurt” for me. I’ll heal, but it’s certainly got me thinking, “It is Happening!”

Any guesses as to what it was?

RV LIFE: This Crazy Idea

Anyone ever had really good intentions that lacked follow-through?  Birthday cards/gifts, scrapbooks, photo albums, home organization, new family traditions, etc.

Really high on my good intentions list is recording my thoughts and life adventures, and I know I will have regrets if I don’t find the time to record our transition to full-time RVing, so I’m going to do my best to give short, frequent updates (once / if I ever get caught up) so I don’t get overwhelmed with thinking I have to write a short book every blog post. Haha.

I’m already having to ask Matt “just how/when did we decide we were ACTUALLY going to start the process?”

We were at Markeley Grove Park in Minneapolis with Hayden one evening this spring when Matt spotted a 5th wheel camped out and made the comment, “We could do that, and Hayden could have a new park in his front yard on a weekly basis.”

My peaked interest set Matt’s Craigslist search in motion and it wasn’t long before the possibilities started pouring in…and quite honestly, it was all looking VERY appealing!

And not only the campers were appealing, but the lifestyle in general, and it helping us reach other goals we have for our life was appealing as well.  Some of the most attractive changes in lifestyle, for us, include:

• Living debt-free (including the house)
• Investing in rental properties
• Matt’s ability to be more effective at his job, without sacrificing time with Hayden & I
• Upgrading to a camper with slide outs
• [More] freedom to travel

Once we were under a mutual agreement to seriously move forward, we listed the most necessary items such as the 715 E 7th Street property and ’95 Rexhall Aerbus for sale within a month of the decision to move forward.  Both of these items are still for sale, but we have very promising leads on both of them.

The responses we’ve gotten from people have ranged from raised eyebrows, “what the heck gave you that idea,” “good for you!” and lots of questioning.

We (mostly Matt) have done a ton of research in to fifth wheels, trucks, and the lifestyle in general, but there will be a ton of questions we won’t be able to answer until we’re out on the road.  We love getting questions from our family and friends, as sometimes it helps bring light to something we may have overlooked, so feel free to drop some of your questions below, and I’ll work on putting together a blog with our most commonly asked questions. :)

NUTRITION - For Me

Let me just start off by saying I somehow need to figure out how to write a blog in less than 6-8 hours!! Good golly...I'm notoriously slow at nearly everything I do, you'd think I'd just be used to it, but no, it's still annoying as all get out!!

So anyway...

I just (as in 6 hours ago when I first opened up Blogger) listened to DEFINE YOUR LIFE #25 FOOD -- a podcast by Shaun T.  This was not only exactly what I needed to hear, but they also explain so many of my thoughts on food to an exact "T".

"Accepting where your body is, where you want it to be, and how to maintain that body without stressing yourself out or depriving yourself..."

-Shaun T, intro to podcast

I've been in a "slump" with my weight loss progress, which for several months now I've [tried] accepting it's not about weight loss any more, but rather about toning up, feeling good, and finding balance.  And I'm not here to say it isn't still, but deciphering what is a healthy balance and what is old habits slowly creeping back in is mentally exhausting to say the least.

For me...

...eating healthy is enjoyable. But I still "crave" unhealthy food.  Some of it has been much easier to completely give up than I expected it would be.  Some of it I think I want until given the opportunity, and then realize I don't want it bad enough to either, a) feel like crud, or b) negate my progress, which I'm figuring out can be mental or physical progress at this point. And then there's some of it that will just always find a way into my body, and I'll [learn to] be okay with it!

...telling myself, "If you want it, just have it!" doesn't feel like an option.  I won't definitively say that it is NOT an option, because I do feel like it is something I am trying to work toward, but the fact of the matter is, I believe I have/had an unconcious addiction to food.  "All addictions work in the same part of the brain. Addiction is addiction is addiction. Therefore one drug can lead you back to any other drug." (Reference: www.AddictionsAndRecovery.org)  For me, I still feel like I'm in the process of learning new coping skills and changing my mindset/relationship with food. If I don't learn these new skills, then I will not change, and the addiction will catch up with me all over again.  But at least now I have transitioned from eating too much junk food to just simply eating too much.

...being a Beachbody Coach is the key to maintaining a clean eating lifestyle.  However, I need to understand that being a Beachbody coach doesn't mean I have to expect a perfect body or a perfect diet. The whole reason my friends and family can (or should be able to) relate to my story is because they know me and see that I'm just a normal person making healthy choices to better my quality of life.

...there will always be a scale in my bathroom, and I am likely to step on it every morning. Yes, no matter how often I tell myself or others, I do care what the scale says. Maybe if/once I get a handle on how often and how much I am eating, I'll be able to do away with this check/method of accountability, but for now, I still need/want it. And I will say I'm much more aware and okay with daily fluctuations, and that through my workouts my body composition is changing which also effects the number, but in the end, for me, I need the check.