It is definitely time for me to put some of my thoughts down in writing because I have internalized them about as long as even I, an introvert, can mentally handle.
We enjoyed our first trip to the lake with our (and two of our friends) new pontoon this past weekend, which also marked my first official bikini trip since starting my “beach body” journey last year. I used to have a bikini body, but never realized it or appreciated it or had the confidence to embrace it. And then I skipped right to an I-don’t-even-want-to-put-a-swimsuit-on-of-any-kind body. Which considering I really never was a pool/lake type of person, this wasn’t something I had to worry too often.
But the self-confidence thing...I’m not sure where my lack of that comes from, but it’s not a new struggle. I just know I’m ready to deal with it now, and that I’m making big gains. Age is just a number, but as I near a milestone birthday in less than 2 weeks, I can’t help but notice a shift in my mentality, and developing an awareness to wanting to make MY agenda/life my #1 priority. Which not everyone is going to be able to relate to or understand the changes/sacrifices I make, nor would I—should I—expect them to, after all, it is MY life, not any one else’s. (Being able to grasp this is one of my many improvements already. The last time I was questioned about my "life choices" I allowed that person's perception of me to alter and doubt the new habits I had been forming that were working for me and slip backwards...but not this time.)
So what are my priorities...
• Being a supportive and helpful wife
• Raising a little boy in a way that will help him thrive and survive on his own one day, and enjoying all the stages along the way {mom}
• Living a life that takes care of my body
• Being a loyal friend
• Sharing my passion for fitness (and nutrition) with others {beachbody coach}
• Living a life pleasing to God and according to His word
[Are these in order despite a bulleted list rather than a numbered list you're wondering to yourself...? Truthfully, I would say yes. Would shuffling the bottom item of the list to the top of the list transform my life in even more positive ways than I could even fathom? ABSOLUTELY! But that's another topic I don't have the mental capacity to take on at the moment.)
As I mentioned, I’m making big gains in my self-confidence, as putting on my bikini and taking off my cover-up didn’t give me a panic attack this weekend. However, I asked a question of a friend that, if I were asked by someone, would cause me to question their self-confidence and need for reassurance. I wish I could take the question back so I wouldn’t be sitting here dwelling on why I asked it, but the truth of it is, I asked it, there was a reason I asked it, and even though dwelling on it isn’t healthy, dealing with it is necessary if I’m going to continue to grow and make progress toward genuine confidence (especially physically). I want to be there so bad…and I will be…and I’m much closer…but I’m just not quite there yet.
And as I continue to dwell on the question I asked of my friend, it was wrong on more levels than just my lack of confidence. I have no idea what I expected—or wanted—her response to be, but it just was poorly worded, poor timing, and poor judgement—which are things I’m unfortunately good at.
Isn’t self-awareness just awesome!?!?!
That’s mostly rhetorical, but I know my biggest improvements [generally] follow my most unnerving “failures.”
